


the love that dare not speak its name

by leedslads



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 1950s, Alternate Universe - Historical, Boarding School, Homophobic Language, M/M, being gay is frowned upon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 21:43:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9461519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leedslads/pseuds/leedslads
Summary: two young boys who meet at a boarding school in the late 1940s





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RealName](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RealName/gifts).



> hello dear friends! i haven't posted in over a year. this story has been sitting in my onedrive for ages. life has been so busy that I've not had time to write, and during school today i was browsing through old documents and found this. it's not half as bad as i remember--in fact, it's quite good. not sure if this is something anybody is interested in reading any further, but i did quite a bit of research and this is just the first bit of the story. 
> 
> bible verses are the name of every chapter...read them for some insight on what the chapter will be about
> 
> a forewarning...if i do continue this story, it's taking place in a time when homosexuality was illegal. there will be homophobic language and events inspired by things that have actually occurred. this is a bit of historical fiction--remember that. i will try to make it as accurate as a seventeen year old American girl can, so help me out if you notice anything is up
> 
> anyway, please enjoy the last piece of writing i worked on (about a year ago. i seriously have not written anything since this)

_He said, ‘My name is Love.'_  

 _Then straight the first did turn himself to me_  

 _And cried, ‘He lieth, for his name is Shame,_  

 _But I am Love, and I was wont to be_  

 _Alone in this fair garden, till he came_  

 _Unasked by night; I am true Love, I fill_  

 _The hearts of boy and girl with mutual flame.'_  

 _Then sighing, said the other, ‘Have thy will,_  

 ** _I am the love that dare not speak its name.'_**  

 

Two Loves – Lord Alfred Douglas 

   
  

 

* * *

 

  

 **1948**  

  

* * *

 

  

The train ride to St. Augustine’s is lonely and rather cold, as it had been the previous two years. Louis can’t say he’d expected anything different. He passes the time watching raindrops race down the window and picking at loose threads on his bag. The only good thing about boarding school is Harry, and Louis knows they get to room together this year. His mum is friends with the headmaster and managed to pull some strings for them. This is the only reason he bothered to wake up in time to run for the train this morning.  

The school is just a short (and wet) walk from the station. Its washed out reddish-brown brick-laid exterior is a stark contrast to the unfriendly gray skies. The gates surrounding it are daunting; they even loom over some of the trees unfortunate enough to be planted nearby. Louis thinks it’s all rather overdone, and maybe a tad bit ugly. It’s just a school after all. Does it _have_ to look like a prison? 

After formalities and registrations, someone points him toward his and Harry’s room. He claims the top bunk by dumping his belongings all over it. He never brings much—this time around, he’s packed some clothes, a few pencils, and some money for the rare occasions the boys do get to leave the premises. He managed to snag a picture of him, his mom, and his four sisters before sprinting out the door. He hopes his mom will understand why he took it. 

It’s not long before Harry walks through the door, dragging a bag of his own behind him and wearing the biggest smile Louis has ever seen.  

“Your hair,” is the first thing Louis says as he’s pulled into a crushing hug, because Harry’s hair doesn’t frame his face in a choppy line anymore. It’s grown longer and it’s pretty curly now, especially by his ears.  

“Does it look good, Lou?” Harry asks as he organizes his belongings in the bottom drawer of their shared dresser. Louis smiles at the nickname. “I’m growing it out.” 

“Looks great. I bet you get all the girls back home with those locks, do you?”  

“Oh, put a sock in it.” 

 

Evening mass at the chapel on campus is a rundown of the rules, as it always is the first night. Louis knows them like the back of his hand—no friends in your room after eight, lights out at ten, et cetera, et cetera—so he doesn’t really bother paying attention. Harry has a terrible habit of bouncing his leg through sermons, and due to the close proximity of being squished in the pews, it jostles Louis every time the other boy moves. Louis has just about had enough when the boys are finally dismissed for dinner. All 300 or so of them rush to the dining hall, and Louis thinks it’s kind of a miracle that he hasn’t been trampled to an untimely death. He trots alongside Harry as they get their food. The boys eat and catch up, the three months of not being attached at the hip providing lots to talk about.  

“How have your girls been?” Harry asks around a mouthful of casserole.  

“They’re fine. Getting bigger everyday. You know, I always miss them something terrible while we’re here.” 

Harry prods at his food with a fork and says, “My mum too. Gems is hardly around anyway, so it’s hard to miss people when you feel like you don’t know them anymore.” Louis chews thoughtfully. 

“Well, we’re apart quite a bit, me and you. Do you mean to say you don’t miss me?” 

“Of course I miss you, you knob,” he answers, and Louis laughs because it’s good to be back.  

“Well you don’t have to miss me anymore. I’m right here, and—good news! Looks like you’re stuck with me for the next nine months.” 

Harry positively beams at that, and, yeah, Louis has missed this more than anything. Missed Harry, that is. He couldn’t give two shits about St. Augustine’s and its peeling walls. Harry, on the other hand, is impossible not to miss. Being away for almost four entire months nearly killed Louis. At the end of every session, Louis has trouble letting go of Harry as they stand on the train platform to go to their respective homes. It’s goodbye to each other until the next August and it’s one of the things Louis dreads in life, right after watching over all four of his sisters while his mum works.  

It doesn’t take long for them to finish eating and head back to their room.  

 

 

It’s not until later, after supper and evening mass and a round of footie, that everything starts to feel like normal. Any traces of hesitance, of reunited-after-months-apart awkwardness between Harry and Louis, have faded with the color of the sky and as Louis settles down for bed he almost feels indestructible. The first few days of each session seem to be never-ending and the exhaustion weighs him down when it catches up to him. He’s almost asleep, and it’s quiet enough in their room that he can hear Harry’s slow breathing. Little puffs of air when he exhales.  

 

 

Then Harry asks if Louis is asleep, and Louis whispers that he’s wide awake. He doesn’t really know why he lies. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he knows what Harry needs. The first nights are always like this, ever since the first-first night.  

“Think I’d forgotten this bit?” Louis asks as he climbs down from his bunk to sit on the end of Harry’s bed. Harry nods his head yes. “Never could. What would you like me to talk about tonight?” 

Harry likes falling asleep to Louis’s voice. It’s not like a bedtime story, per se, just Louis reciting random facts that he sometimes remembers and making some up when he doesn’t. He doesn’t know why it helps Harry feel more at ease, but it does.

 

Louis catches himself staring, long after Harry has fallen asleep, studying the way the strained moonlight from their window falls over him.

This is when it really starts to feel familiar again.


End file.
